The Unauthorized History of Whiteboy Dreadlocks

Andy Samberg as Ras Trent, seeing the world through white I’s.

It’s nearly impossible for a white boy with dreads to have credibility ‘pon lock. No matter how many drum circles they drum in, or how many spliffs they spark to heal the nation, some smart-ass like Saturday Night Live comic Andy Samberg will laugh at them and make a hilarious skit about their misguided appropriation of Rastafarian culture.

In honor of all the white dreads who are taking abuse and putting off the eventual haircut and embrace of white privilege on Wall Street, Complex rates the realness of 11 famous dreadlocked white boys. Dread it (especially if you made the list)…

JON FAVREAU IN PCU


BUMBACLOT RATING:

Gutter is the original college campus Trustafarian. Keep chanting down Babylon, bro.


THE PREDATOR



BUMBACLOT RATING:

The alien devil white man can try to mask his true nature with dreads, but we know he’s always out for world domination.


ALBOROSIE


BUMBACLOT RATING:

t’s OK to view white people who have dreads and make reggae music with suspicion, but by the time their locks reach past their ass, they’ve officially got a yard pass. Diddly whoo-ha!

GARY OLDMAN IN TRUE ROMANCE


BUMBACLOT RATING:

The roots of this confused pimp’s dreads were so tight that he forgot when White Boy Day is. (It’s every day, and if you’re white boy you should remember this every time you wake up.)


TARZAN


BUMBACLOT RATING:

OK, we get that a dude who lives in the jungle canopy probably wouldn’t comb his hair much, but what exactly is Disney saying by having this dread move around like a chimp? This animated jumpoff is rated R for racism.


WILLI ONE BLOOD


BUMBACLOT RATING:

His one reggae hit was featured on the soundtrack to Dumb & Dumber, but we remember him best for The Professional, in which he played a very dutty cop.


JOHNNY DEPP IN PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN


BUMBACLOT RATING:

Hey, at least when Captain Jack Sparrow went to the Caribbean he got actual dreads, not just braids with beads in them. Goddamned tourists.

KAMRON FROM 4/5 WHITE RAP GROUP YOUNG BLACK TEENAGERS


BUMBACLOT RATING:

This milky brother is best remembered for a minor role in Kid N Play’s House Party 2 (way out of his range playing a white dude who thinks he’s black) and making “Tap the Bottle,” a rap song about to drinking forties. He gets mad crazy props for never being lynched by black people. Or white people.


THE TWINS IN THE MATRIX RELOADED



BUMBACLOT RATING:

The Wachowski Brothers’ albino hitmen were the embodiment of a computer virus sent to kill Neo, Morpheus and Trinity. It makes perfect sense—well, except for the fact that dreads are 100 per cent absolutely and positively not for the enslavement of humanity.



ADAM DURITZ FROM COUNTING CROWS


BUMBACLOT RATING:

Can’t really hate on a dude who smashed Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox. Apparently locks really do have magical, mystical powers—even if they’re store bought.


VANILLA ICE


BUMBACLOT RATING:

Instead of trying to regain some street cred with a hockey jersey and white boy dreads for his weeded-out hardcore comeback album, Mind Blowin, the Ice-Man might have done better to just blow his s*** loose.